


Ten Reasons

by UpsideAround



Series: Candlelight (Like A Dream) [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Christmas, Fluff, M/M, Pining, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 18:38:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6999871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpsideAround/pseuds/UpsideAround
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While curled up in bed together with Alexander, John asks why Alex didn't tell him that he loved him sooner. </p><p>Alexander gives John ten things he needs to know in order to understand why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ten Reasons

**Author's Note:**

> Esti7310 requested a "a pining-filled story of the christmas party and semi-romantic walk in the snow".
> 
> I am delivering per your request.
> 
> (Lowkey Ten Duel Commandments style)

“Hey, Alex?”

Alexander snuggled back into John’s arms. “Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you kiss me that night? On Christmas.”

“Do you really want to know?” he murmured.

“Of course,” John said, pressing a kiss to the back of Alex’s neck. “I’m curious.”

“Well,” Alex started, “There are ten reasons.”

 

* * *

 

_ Number One:  _ Alex didn’t mean to fall in love that night. 

In fact, he didn’t mean to do anything that night. He just wanted to enjoy a winter’s night in, listen to some music, share some laughs with his friends.

But as soon as John walked through the door, Alexander felt his stomach swoop as he thought  _ wait, what? _

John was wearing an adorable sweater, with little turtles stitched into it. His face was tinged red from the cold outdoors, and a few flecks of snow were melting into his curly hair. Alex might have just imagined it, but the background music seemed to swell.

His heart swelled as well, and he realized with a start that it was John, with his dazzling smile, causing him to go weak in the knees.  
  
  


_ Number Two: _ Lafayette got involved. Rookie mistake.

As soon as John looked over at Alex and smiled, Alex flushed and turned heel to find Lafayette. 

“Lafayette. I have an emergency.”

“What is it, Alexandre,” Lafayette said, unamused. 

“I’m in love with John, and I know, we’ve been friends for awhile, but I think I’ve liked him for all that time, and just now realizing that I feel something deeper;” Alex gestured wildly, “something I can’t really describe, does that make any sense?”

Lafayette raised an eyebrow. “And why are you telling me this? You should be showing him!”

Alexander waved his hand. “I know, I know, I will, I swear, but —”

Lafayette placed a finger over Alex’s lips. “But nothing, Alexandre. I know this kind of thing can be difficult on you, so tell you what,” Lafayette shifted forward slightly, “I’ll bet you twenty dollars that you can’t go over there and ask him out. Bonne chance.”

Lafayette strutted off, leaving Alex’s head still swarming with his thoughts.

This harmless bet of twenty was eventually upped to fifty as Alexander had Lafayette extend the time frame to within a week. Then it became seventy-five dollars and Alex had a month to ask John out. Then it was one hundred, and he had until spring break.  
  
  


_ Number Three _ : Really, truly, loving someone was dangerous. Terrifying. 

The whole night, sitting around the table, playing games with the friends he knew well (and the friends he didn’t know so well), John and Alexander sat near each other. 

It was like sitting near a cliff’s edge, except Alexander was already falling.

And on his way down, all he could think about was every one of his failed relationships. Everyone he had poured his heart into. How he ended up broken. How he ended up breaking other people. He didn’t want to do that to John. He didn’t want to get hurt himself, either. 

But John’s laughter, and the way John’s whole face lit up with joy as he laughed, stole Alex’s heart.  
  
  


_ Number Four: _ He felt the words he couldn’t say.

He choked on his words when John gave himself a milk mustache with the eggnog. 

The only words that he felt were “I love you”.

And he couldn’t say what was in his heart.   
  
  


_ Five:  _ The world felt right.

The sky, gone dark hours ago, was snowing again, filling in the footprints of the day with fresh snow.

The colors of the houses up and down the street glinted off of the the flakes. 

Alexander stared out the window at the scene, mesmerized by the snow drifting down into the brilliant lights. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” John’s voice said from beside Alex. 

“Yeah,” Alex breathed. “Do you want to go for a walk?” He turned to face John.

John grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.” He stood up straight. “Shall we?” he said, offering Alex his arm. 

Alexander took it, and they marched outside.

He slid off of John’s arm eventually, but the world was still perfect. John reflected the glimmering lights, and the snow gathered on both of their heads. There wasn’t a moon out, but the scene was cast in a silvery glow.

It would have been cheesily romantic if John felt the same way. 

The world was perfect, but they couldn’t be.   
  
  


_ Number Six:  _

“How do you know when you’re in love with someone?”

“When they can’t hurt you.”  
  
  


_ Seven: _ Words are messy.

Alex’s feelings for John were beyond words. He could write songs about John’s freckles, or a novel about John’s smile, but there was no way to weave a language to describe the beauty of who John was to Alex. 

You can’t write poetry about falling in love with someone’s soul.

All Alexander wanted to do was take John’s hand. Pull him close and  _ show _ him what words were beyond describing. 

Words were messy, anyway. 

Each one has a very specific meaning, each one holds a certain feeling, and perfectly encapsulates what it is supposed to. The trouble arises when there is a moment where there isn’t a word that exists to interpret it.

Alexander prided himself on being able to take the colors of the words that already exist and using them to paint the proper picture. 

Even then, there’s a point where the artist’s brush doesn’t quite work anymore.  
  
  


_ Number Eight _ : Wishing hurts, but desertion would be devastating.

“Rate that house,” John said, pointing ahead.

Alex hummed. “Good color coordination, I like the red and the white together, but they could do better with the spacing, the red is very intense on the house, but nowhere in the yard. Seven out of ten.”

John laughed. “Or, you could just enjoy the lights.”

Alex wanted to say that he enjoyed how the lights sparkled in John’s eyes. He wanted to say that John was the only truly beautiful thing here, the lights and the snow paled in comparison. He longed to reach out and take John’s hand. He wanted to hold a star.

There was always a risk, with making a move. 

If he said any of those things, or reached for John’s hand, he risked John taking a startled step back. He risked John almost jumping back, as if he was being burned by Alex’s presence. He risked being left alone, out in the damp snow.

“Where’s the fun in only _ enjoying _ the lights?” he teased, brushing aside everything he wanted or feared.  
  
  


_ Number Nine:  _ The world was frozen between them. 

Alexander didn’t even know how they came so close. 

But they were here, staring into each other’s eyes as the snow drifted gently around them. The bright glow of the Christmas lights on the house behind them glimmered through John’s hair. 

Alex felt his heart surge as John brushed a lock of Alex’s hair out of his eyes. 

The world was frozen around them. They were close, but hardly touching, save for the single hand John had used to frame Alex’s face. Alex’s arms were tensed in front of himself. His hands itched to take John’s. They were only a few inches apart, after all.

Time sped up to the pace of Alexander’s racing heart, which is to say, not at all.   
  
  


_ Number Ten:  _ It wasn’t worth it. 

No matter how much Alex longed to lean in the remaining few inches between them, to capture John’s lips in a sensitive kiss, he couldn’t. 

Though he could fantasize about gently taking John’s hands and pulling him in, that could never be. John would flinch back, change the subject, and Alexander would have lost the closest friend he’s ever had. 

It wasn’t worth the risk.

John wouldn’t see,  _ couldn’t ever _ see Alex as more than a friend. Alexander just wasn’t very good relationship material. He was either too open or too closed off. About everything. He loved too hard, too fast, and he broke everything in his path. 

John was everything Alex was, passionate, strong, except he knew how to be all of that without crushing the people he cared about. He raised them up instead, and would defend every single one of them.

Alexander should know. John once punched a teacher for his sake.

Alex wasn’t worthy of John.

So, at that moment, instead of blurting his feelings by softly pulling John in, Alex broke the spell.

He turned away, looking down. He never saw the way John’s face fell.

 

* * *

 

“There you have it, the reasons I couldn’t tell you I loved you,” Alexander muttered. He almost wanted to cry, his heart was tearing itself up.

“You can tell me now,” John said, his breath tingling along the back of Alex’s neck. 

Alexander closed his eyes and smiled. He turned around, facing John. John rolled onto his back, and Alex leaned over him, breathing in sync.

“Yeah,” Alexander said. “I can. I love you, John Laurens.”

John laughed softly. “And I love you.”

Alex draped himself across John, resting his head on the crook of John’s neck. “Good,” he said, snuggling in, “That would make this very awkward if you didn’t.”

They fell asleep like that, curled up, warm, together. 

Neither saw the snow begin to fall outside the window. 

**Author's Note:**

> Let's yell about Hamilton together.  
> upsidearound.tumblr.com


End file.
